The Power of Acceptance

Asaf managed to mount the horse today after weeks in which his dyspraxia prevented him from doing so

As a facilitator for the Family Connections program, run by the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEABPD), I work with family members of individuals with BPD, helping them understand the disorder and develop skills to improve their lives and their relationships. The approaches we teach in the program are based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a type of behavioral therapy developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan.

DBT focuses on teaching skills in four key areas: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. The term "dialectical" refers to holding two seemingly opposite ideas at once:  accepting oneself while striving to change. Through DBT, individuals learn to balance acceptance and change, a process that can be especially powerful when navigating complex emotions or challenging situations.

As a facilitator, I’ve seen firsthand how DBT skills can help others and how, in my own life, these tools can guide me through my challenges.

One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned through this work is the ability to hold two extremes at once. Nowhere is this more apparent than in my experience with Asaf. On one hand, I see the depth of his inner world—the emotions, humor, and sharp insights he expresses through typing. On the other, there are moments when his autism is so consuming that it feels like there’s no bridge between us, when his responses disappear, or his behaviors are deeply challenging. The paradox between the two is immense, and as his communication grows, so does the contrast.

He is becoming increasingly self-aware, recognizing his own struggles, and for the first time in his life, he is actively trying to help himself. Witnessing this shift is both inspiring and heartbreaking, as it forces me to see the full scope of his reality—his intelligence and wit alongside the challenges that remain.

One of the most powerful DBT tools that stands out to me is Radical Acceptance. This skill encourages individuals to embrace the present moment and accept reality as it is, without judgment or resistance—even when faced with difficult or painful situations. It’s not about agreeing with or liking the reality you're facing, but rather reducing emotional suffering and finding peace in the midst of difficult circumstances. For many, Radical Acceptance is one of the hardest tools to embrace and put into practice. It requires letting go of expectations, resisting the urge to change or control situations, and accepting things as they are—even when that feels like a form of surrender.

This has been particularly challenging in my own life as I navigate my journey with Asaf. I find myself stuck in the paradox of knowing that Radical Acceptance is a vital tool yet struggling to fully embrace it. I can intellectually understand its power, and I can teach it to others, but when it comes to my own experience with Asaf, I often feel like I’m miles away from reaching that place of acceptance. It’s not that I don’t want to accept; it's that, at times, the reality feels too painful to embrace fully recognize.

Asaf’s journey of discovering his ability to communicate through typing has been a revelation, but it’s also highlighted the tension between his autism and his rich inner world. There are days when I wrestle with the difficulty of accepting things as they are, without the urge to change them. There’s a part of me that wants to fix things, to make everything better for him, and letting go of that desire is challenging. But in that struggle, I am learning to sit with the discomfort and allow both his reality and my emotions to coexist, even when it feels overwhelming.There are moments when Radical Acceptance feels almost impossible—when Asaf seems completely out of reach, his presence fading into silence. The vibrant world he has shared with us disappears, and I find myself grasping for a connection that isn’t there. In those times, my instinct is to fight reality, to pull him back, to resist what is happening. But Radical Acceptance means something else entirely—it asks me to sit with what is, without trying to change it. This moment, no matter how painful, does not define or erase all that he is.Yet, the hardest truth to accept is that love alone cannot change everything. No matter how deeply I care, no matter how fiercely I advocate, there are parts of Asaf’s experience that remain beyond my control. His autism is not something I can undo. The challenges, the regressions, the struggles—they are part of his reality, and I cannot wish them away. But I do have a choice: I can either resist reality and suffer, or I can face reality and focus on what I can do to make his life as rich and fulfilling as possible.And then, when I least expect it, Asaf’s laughter or a simple smile cut through my thoughts. In that instant, everything becomes clear—HE IS HAPPY, in fact he’s never been happier. And no matter how uncertain or complex this journey feels, I know we made the right choice.